Relationships, especially when first dating, can be extremely tough. You may want to find the right person, but cannot seem to get past the first few days or advance the relationship in other ways. This is not uncommon, but the good news is it can be corrected. The biggest obstacle we face in terms of a long-term relationship is often ourselves.
Below are eleven signs that you are sabotaging yourself when it comes to relationships:
- Concentrating on the Negative
Whether meeting for the first time or have been in a relationship for quite some time, focusing on the negative is damaging. Constant complaining about anything, especially your partner can lead to a fast separation. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the good things and allow the minor negatives to fade away as you grow closer to one another.
- Talking About Past Relationships
Though it is tempting to jump right in and discuss past relationships, get to know each other in other ways first. Eventually, past relationships may come up, but there is no need to push the issue. Even if you choose to get physical, take precautions and learn about their past as you grow closer. Make sure you are not comparing a future partner to a past one as well because this is not fair to you or your potential companion.
- Pretending to be Something You are Not
Starting a relationship with a lie will always get you into trouble. Whether catfishing someone online, hoping they will forgive you once you meet, or lying about being interested in something you are not, just be honest instead. If you are not vegan, hate football, or know nothing about video games, be honest about who you are and how you typically behave. The truth will eventually come out, so start off on the right foot.
- Needing to be Right
Most people know that one person that will argue about everything because they have a need to be right. If you do not know this person, you are this person. No one likes to be told they are wrong all the time or spend time with a know-it-all. Dial things back and allow some compromise in the budding relationship or you will remain lonely.
- You Feel Unworthy
Self-esteem or a lack of it can tank a relationship. If someone agrees to go out with you or asks you out, know you are worthy of their time. We can often feel like others are better or know more, but the truth is we all have room to improve. Take the time to get to know the person you are with and know they just want to get to know you as well.
- You Do not Express Your Needs
We all have needs, desires, and wants. Part of being honest with your partner is expressing these needs in a calm manner so the needs can be met. Never expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you need something, let them know what it is so they can consider fulfilling that need. This is not just about physical needs, but emotional ones as well.
- Not Spending Time Together
Relationships cannot survive constant separation, nor being together at all times. While it can be easy to let life get in the way of the relationship, do not forget that you need to spend time with your partner. If you are never together, how do you expect to grow closer?
- You Undervalue Your Partner
Just like constant complaining, undervaluing your partner will drive them away. Even if your partner is not the best at everything, value what they do bring to the table. Give them credit for trying and then work together to improve in different areas.
- Walking Away is Easy
Challenges arise in every relationship, but how these challenges are handled says a great deal about you as a potential partner. If a problem arises, do not simply walk away and ghost someone, instead communicate with your partner to find a compromise. If things do not work out, break up in person and go about your lives without leaving issues unresolved.
- You Panic When Things Go Well
When you have faced one or several bad relationships it can be easy to panic when things start to go well in a new one. This is a time when most people start to self-sabotage. When things start going well, enjoy the ride. We never know how long things will last, but there is no point in ruining something before it gets started. Calm down and enjoy your happiness while it lasts.
- Disrespecting Boundaries
Everyone needs boundaries to help them feel safe, heard, and liked. If you enter a relationship and start violating clearly defined boundaries, it is a form of self-sabotage. If your partner does not want you searching their medicine cabinet or picking up their phone, then do not do so. Be respectful of their boundaries and expect them to be respectful of yours.
No one can guarantee a relationship will last, but if you can remove your self-sabotaging behaviors then there is a better chance that you two can get to know each other on deeper levels before making a lasting decision.