Life is what you make of it and while relationships are part of life, as are choices, these choices do not have to be pleasing or feel right to everyone. This article is not about a polyamorist lifestyle, incest, pedophilia, or even dating forever so you can shy from commitment, but about having unconventional relationships that make life interesting even if they seem wrong from the outside. For example, your crazy aunt who lives in a commune and makes ends meet by selling produce from her garden. She may have multiple boyfriends even though she is well past her prime, she may be odd, but it is likely that she is happy. The funny thing is, even though most see her life as wrong, she is probably happier than most other people on the earth. To fully understand, let’s explore conventional relationship norms that typically govern life.
Conventional Norms
- Staying with someone because you fear being alone in the world
- Trying to change or train someone to become your dream partner
- Fully intertwining your social circles so that all friends are shared
- Allowing your partner to be in charge of making sure you feel good and feel loved
- Doing nearly everything together, including trips, building values, and setting boundaries
- Foregoing any sense of independence
- Releasing all friends of the opposite sex and ghosting exes
- Allowing your partner to be what was missing from your life to make you whole
Instead of blindly committing to these conventional norms, why not define your own norms so the relationship you build is ideal for both people? This may sound impossible, but defining your own relationship guidelines, even when they feel wrong to others, can be healthy in so many ways. Below are a few ways that being ‘wrong’ when it comes to convention can be the healthiest way to be.
- Complete Freedom
Conventional relationships tend to come attached to freedom-limiting norms. It is almost accepted that once you are part of a couple, you no longer get to be an individual or have any freedom, but being unconventional means that you get to be yourselves, but also have an identity as a couple. This is not a freedom to date other people, but to have lives separate from one another that only intertwine when both partners choose for it to happen.
- Choosing to Spend Time Together
Being in an unconventional relationship means you and your partner set the guidelines for time together. You choose how much time to spend together and what it is spent doing. If you cannot stand time spent with your partner, then walk away and find someone you love to be with each day. In an unconventional relationship, you must wake up every day and make the choice of whether to remain together because you have that right.
- Accept Your Partner as They are that Day
Convention often says we can change someone if we love them enough, but the unconventional accepts the partner as they are in that moment. Your partner may change, better themselves or worsen in some ways, but with the unconventional, it is always a choice of whether to stay or not. People change, it is a fact of life and we need to be honest about whether we can remain once those changes occur.
- Choose Your Compatibility
Astrological signs, personality tests, and other ways that people try to decide if they are compatible no longer matter with being okay with being wrong. If you and your partner decide you are a good match because you have decided what is good for you, then that is all it takes. We choose our compatibility and must trust our natural instinct to make those choices.
- Be Honest and Vulnerable
The healthiest relationships have people that can be honest and vulnerable with one another. This starts by being honest with yourself and then being honest with one another. Let your partner see the true you, the good, bad, and the ugly.
- Learn to Fight
Couples fight, even those who are unconventional by the world’s standards, but sitting down and figuring out how to fight in a way that is helpful more than hurtful is important long before the first argument occurs. There are many books available to help you get started setting ground rules.
Being wrong in the eyes of the majority of the world can feel bad only if you allow it to. This does not mean you should break laws or hurt others because it is what you want, but you should not be afraid to toss norms out the window to create your own happiness.
The idea of defining your own relationship norms is quite thought-provoking. It challenges the mainstream understanding of relationships and emphasizes individual happiness.
Absolutely, Caryn. This perspective allows for a broader spectrum of relationship dynamics that might be more fulfilling for some.
I agree as well. It encourages people to prioritize their emotional well-being and recognize that one size doesn’t fit all in relationships.
The notion of accepting your partner as they are each day resonates with the idea of unconditional love, but with the caveat of personal choice. It’s a balanced approach.
Indeed, Beast. It’s a realistic approach to relationships, acknowledging that people naturally evolve over time.
I find this particularly important. It aligns with maintaining authenticity in relationships and not forcing changes upon someone.
The section on learning to fight constructively is particularly compelling. Conflict is inevitable, and understanding how to handle it healthily is crucial.
The point about choosing compatibility rather than relying on external markers like astrological signs is quite liberating. It places trust in personal judgment.
It’s interesting how the article highlights the importance of maintaining independence while in a relationship. This seems to be a key factor in ensuring personal happiness.